Katie's Story

My Story- Part I

So I have been debating about how to go about telling you all where I am coming from on this whole healthy journey.  And yes there will be multiple parts and no this isn't some sob story where I tell you how horrible my life was until I started eating right and exercising.  Because the truth is that I have had a VERY happy life.  God has blessed me with a great family, a fabulous childhood, wonderful friends, and amazing people all along the way. Now, that being said, I did have struggles especially concerning my self-image and my body.  It was more of a private struggle though because I do not tend to share things with people, and that is something that I am working on throughout this whole process.  So I have decided to share what I have gone through in hopes that maybe it will help one person out there and also as a way to help myself.  

The very first time that I realized that I was not the same as all the other girls in my class was probably in 5th grade.  I was one of the first girls in my class to go through puberty and all of the sudden I had hips and boobs and all the other wonderful things that come with puberty.  I was the first one in the group of my 5 or 6  friends to go through all these changes and it was totally obvious.  This was mostly because all of my friends were pin thin and tiny, so I stuck out like a sore boob enhanced thumb.  Luckily my friends were never cruel about this and we all continued as usual with our lives.  But this is when I started to really have issues with myself and in private would wonder why I couldn't look like the rest of my friends.  On the outside I was a happy, funny, enjoyable kid but deep down I was wondering is this really fair?  This was also about the time that I went on my first "diet", although my family called it a lifestyle change to keep away from the negativity that surrounds the word diet.  Basically this change consisted of cutting out all carbs and focusing on protein and fruits and vegetables.  So nothing too drastic, but it was still tough because I loved eating all the things that I wasn't supposed to eat.  This started my horrible habit of sneaking food and eating it secretly.  I felt that if anyone saw me eat the candy bar then it was worse than if I ate it alone in my room where no one saw.  Secretly eating really has been a struggle for me up until this day and it is something I work at all the time.  

My first diet went alright, I did lose weight but eventually we stopped the diet and slowly I went back to where I was before.  I was still bigger than all my friends and I was about to enter high school.  Now this idea terrified me.  I had been at the same school, surrounded by the same group of friends since I was in pre-school.  Now I had to go to a new school, meet new friends, and go to class in different rooms.  I am a massive introvert and this did not appeal to me in the least.  My saving grace in high school was marching band.  Yes, you read that right.  I was and still am a huge band nerd and I don't care.  I loved every minute spent out on the field, whether it was during practice or competition.  I met all my friends through band, and I excelled there.  I was one of the best freshmen in my section, I became squad leader and then eventually section leader (pretty much as high as you can go without being drum major or say the band director).  Band gave me confidence that I never had before and I really liked that feeling.  But I still had issues with my body, I wasn't the biggest girl in my group of friends any more, but I still wasn't thin.  And now in the arena of high school, boys and dances were thrown into the mix.  

Where boys were concerned, I didn't really know how to handle the situation.  Oh sure I had my share of crushes on boys in my class, but I never acted upon that.  Sooooooo not my style, I am more the hide in the back and maybe make eye contact to the person standing next to the person I like.  And it is safe to say that no boy had ever approached me and told me they liked me or asked me out.  And now that seemed like one of the most important things in the world.  I just wanted one boy to tell me I was pretty, or that they liked me because then I would be pretty.  I know that is not how it works, but that was how my brain was wired at this point in my life.  And this didn't really happen until the end of my junior year of high school.  And the guy who asked me to prom wasn't a guy that I really had any interest in, but FINALLY one guy out there thought that I was good enough to ask out.  So of course after the prom we started dating because I thought, well this is it.  This guy will be the one I marry and spend the rest of my life with because this will be the ONLY guy who will ever like me.  By homecoming of my senior year we had broken up.  So much for that fairy tale ending... But in all actuality he didn't treat me the way I wanted to be treated and I was at least smart enough to realize that I didn't need that or him.  

Sadly though once I broke up with my first boyfriend, I instantly went back to thinking I was ugly and fat and unlovable.  It is really embarrassing to look back at that time and see how much the opinions of others, especially boys, was able to affect my view of myself.  Well soon after I broke up with my first boyfriend I started dating a new one.  Again it was a situation of well this guy told me he liked me, I am not over the top crazy about him, but this could REALLY be my last shot (remember I was only like 17 at the time and worried that I would never get married. Who does that?!).  And once again I felt better about myself because someone had told me that I was good enough for them to date.  It's sad but I didn't know any other way to think.  But that would change once I left for college.....

Check back for Part II of my story!       


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